Bloody Tears
by Menthol Pixie
Summary: Squid has a past more traumatic than anyone could guess. It has to do with his father. He's kept it secret for a long time, and now it's tearing him up inside...
1. Voices in the Dark

BLOODY TEARS  
Rating: R, just to be sure.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Holes. The only hole I own is the one I dug in my  
back yard.I don't own any of the characters either. They all belong to  
Louis Sacher.  
Summary: Squid has a past more traumatic than anyone could guess. It has to  
do with his father. He's kept it secret for a long time, but the truth has  
to come out eventually.  
Chapter One: Voices in the Dark  
Midnight, or close to it. Zigzag was awake, listening to the soft sobs  
coming from someone in the tent. These tears were different than what he  
usually heard. Tears of emotional pain were the norm, but these tears  
sounded like they were of physical pain, the tears someone cried after  
digging their first hole or after a bad fight.  
"Hey," he whispered into the darkness, "You ok?"  
He got no answer.  
He listened for a while longer until curiousity got the better of him. He  
switched on the light.  
"What the hell!?" he cried.  
Squid was kneeling on his bunk, back arched slightly in pain. In one hand  
he held a knife, obviously swiped one day at dinner. The other hand was  
covered in blood. Blood was running down his wrist, slowly dripping onto  
the bed sheets.  
Squid jumped at Zigzags voice and half turned, splattering the floor with  
blood.  
"What are you doing?!"  
"PIss off!"  
X-Ray stirred, "What are you shouting about?" he asked grumpily.  
Neither Squid or Zigzag answered, so X-Ray opened his eyes and put on his  
glasses. It took a moment before he focussed on Squids bloody hands.  
"Squid, what the hell are you doing?"  
"Piss off!" Squid repeated, but not with as much strength as before.  
"Yo Squid, just put the knife down."  
Squid had lowered the knife back to his wrist. He made no movement to put  
it down.  
"Man, this ain't cool," Zigzag muttered.  
One by one, the other members of D-Tent woke. Tired and angry, eyes not yet  
adjusted to the light, they muttered and complained.  
"Shut up!" X-Ray commanded, not taking his eyes away from Squid, as if his  
gaze was mentally stopping him from pressing down the knife.  
"Squid, c'mon, it ain't that bad."  
"How would you know?" Squid muttered, eyes on the knife.  
"Uh..." he realised that he wouldn't know. "But... why Squid? I don't get  
it, why?"  
"I'm gonna die hdere anyway!" Squid yelled, half hysterically. "Don't you  
get it? We're all gonna die here! They're not gonna let us go! The only way  
we're getting out is in a body bag!"  
"That's not true!" Magnet tried to think of someone who had gotten out.  
"Uh... Barfbag got out."  
"Yeah, by stepping on a rattlesnake!"  
The knife was wavering dangerously close to his wrist.  
"Squid, please!" Zigzag was slowly edging his way towards him, hand  
outstretched. "Give me the knife, you're my best friend, the first friend I  
ever had, I don't wanna lose you."  
Squid looked up at him, then around at the concerned faces of all his tent  
mates. He made eye contact with Zigzag again, until he couldn't stand it  
anymore.  
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He gripped the knife handle harder, raised it  
slightly, ready to plunge into the vein that was waiting so enticingly...  
Suddenly he was shoved roughly back down on his bunk. The knife was forced  
from his hand, and someone jumped on him and held his wrists.  
"Piss off!" he screamed, "Leave me 'lone! Let me go! Just let me go  
damnit!"  
***Flashback***  
Shoved back against the bed. Someone was holding him down by the wrists.  
He could smell ciggarette smoke and booze...  
***Flashback Ends***  
Squid tried to push Zigzag off of him, one hand reaches desperately for the  
knife, the other was pinned against the bed, under Zigzags knee. X-Ray  
grabbed the knife away.  
Squid started to cry.  
"I'm sorry," he whispered between sobs. "I just hate it here. I really hate  
it here..."  
Zigzag climbed off of him and pulled him into a hug.  
All of D-Tent watched in shocked amazement, Magnet mumbledd something in  
Spanish, never in all the time that they'd known him had they seen Squid  
cry.  
Zigzag had his arms around Squid and Squid has his face burried in Zigzags  
shirt.  
Squid had tried to kill himself. The reality of it hadn't yet set in. X-Ray  
was feeling shaken. In some ways he felt responsible for his tent mates,  
the unspoken leader of the group. He felt like he had let Squid down. He  
could have died. Imagine what would have happened if Zigzag hadn't been  
awake! Imagine waking up the next morning and finding... shuddering, he  
decided not to think about it.  
"Armpit, find something to use as bandages."  
"Aw man, why do I gotta-"  
X-Ray swirled around, "Damnit Pit! Think about someone other than yourself  
for once! Get off your ass and get some bandages!"  
Armpit saw the fire in X-Rays eyes and, grumbling quietly to himself, he  
got out of bed and being searching through his crate.  
X-Ray went and sat down next to Squid and Zigzag, putting a comforting hand  
on Squids shoulder.  
After a moment, Squid pulled away from Zigzag and wiped his tear-stained  
cheeks with the back of his hand. However, this concluded in smearing his  
face with blood. He looked at his wrist as if he were looking at a foriegn  
object.  
"I was so close to the vain," he said shakiyl, almost regretfully.  
"Yeah," X-Ray was ripping strips from a white t-shirt Armpit had given him,  
"Lucky you didn't hit it or you'd be in a lotta trouble. And lucky Zig was  
awake. You could have died."  
"Yeah... I could have died..."  
Squid had turned white, his teeth were chattering dispite the heavy layer  
of heat covering them and he was shaking violently. Fresh tears had  
streaked the blood on his cheeks.  
"Man, I think he's, like, going into shock or somethin'," said Magnet, fear  
evident in his voice.  
"Oh man, this really ain't cool," Zigzag muttered. He didn't know what to  
do.  
"Here Zig, help me bandage his wrist."  
Zigzag held Squid still whileX-Ray tied the strips of t-shirt around his  
wrist. His skin felt cold to touch and tying the strips was difficult  
because his hands were shaking so much. It must have been painful but Squid  
didn't seem to notice. When X-Ray was finished Squid looked up at him, his  
eyes seemed glazed, "I'm gonna be sick," he whispered.  
Zigzag took him outside. As soon as they were out the door Squid fell to  
his hands and knees and vomitted.  
Zigzag rubbed his back.  
"It's gonna be ok," he kept repeating. He wasn't sure if he was speaking to  
Squid or himself.  
After a while X-Ray and Magnet came out.  
"How's he doing?"  
Zigzag shrugged.  
Squid leant back, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.  
"You alright?" Magnet asked  
Squid didn't answer, he looked down at his bandaged wrist, then around the  
camp. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he turned his head away slightly  
so that they wouldn't see his tears, even though they'd already seen them  
before.  
"You know what?" he asked.  
The others crouched down next to him.  
"What?" asked Magnet.  
"The Caveman got a letter today, from his mum."  
"Oh," said X-Ray, wondering what that had to do with anything.  
Squid sighed, "I wish my mum would write to me."  
No one knew how to reply to that.  
Squid got up, he scowled, "But I bet she's too drunk to even pick up a  
pen," he said bitterly.  
The other boys awkwardly followed him back into the tent. He went and lay  
down on his bunk with his back to them, ignoring the boys questioning  
stares.  
"Turn out the light Zig."  
Zigzag didn't move.  
Squid rolled over. "Turn out the light! I'm not gonna do anything, X took  
my knife away. Just go to sleep and leave me alone!"  
Zigzag turned the light out but he didn't go to sleep. X-Ray put the knife  
under his pillow. No one in D-Tent slept that night, they just lay in their  
bunks, waiting for morning. 


	2. Don't You Want To Be A Grown Up?

BLOODY TEARS  
Chapter Two: Don't You Want To Be A Grown Up?  
Squid dropped his spade, letting himself slide down the side of his hole.  
He wiped the sweat from his forehead, leaving behind a streak of dirt.  
"Hey man, you ok?"  
X-Ray appeared, standing next to the hole, blocking out the sun for a few  
magical moments.  
When Squid didn't answer. X-Ray jumped skillfully into the hole and knelt  
beside him.  
"Yo Squid!" he slapped his face gently, "Wake up."  
"Leave me 'lone," Squid muttered.  
X-Ray noticed that the makesift bandage on his friends wrist was soaked  
through with blood.  
"That's it man, you ain't digging no holes today. Get out and I'll finish  
it for you."  
Squid shook his head and tried to stand, but his head spun and X-Ray swam  
out of focus, lost in the hazy blackness.  
"Hey, someone help!" X-Ray yelled. Squid collapsed onto the dirt.  
Magnet and Armpit lifted him from the hole as gently as they could. Squid  
moaned softly when they put him down but didn't wake.  
D-Tent stood around him, wondering what to do.  
"Man, we can't just leave him to bleed to death," Magnet stated.  
"We could tell Mom or Mr Sir," Caveman suggested.  
"Doubt they'd help much."  
They were quiet for a moment.  
"You need to put more pressure on the wound."  
"Huh?" They all turned to Zero, shocked at his 'speech'.  
"To stop the bleeding. You need pressure." Zero jumped down into Squids  
hole and started digging.  
The rest of D-Tent stared at him, until Caveman stopped them, "He's not  
stupid, he just doesn't talk much. If he says we need pressure, we need  
pressure."  
X-Ray shrugged, and decided to trust him. What else was there for him to  
do?  
***  
Squid woke back in his own bunk. His head felt heavy and his eyes seemed to  
refuse to open properly.  
Someone was half humming-half singing a song quietly.  
"'If only, if only,' the woodpecker sighs... bark on the trees... hum  
hum... the skies..."  
He turned his head to see Caveman sitting on his bunk, reading a letter. He  
watched Cavemans eyes flicking from left to right.  
"Letter from your Mummy?" he asked, a him sarcastically, more that a hint  
of bitterness.  
Caveman looked up, surprised, "You're awake-"  
"Yeah, I'm awake!" Squid could feel anger and jelousy building up inside  
him, "So take you precious letter from Mummy and leave me the hell alone!"  
The Caveman frowned, but left none the less.  
Squid rolled over and burried his face in his pillow as warm tears splashed  
down his hceeks. He curled up into a ball, hugging his injured wrist to his  
chest. He thought about looking through X-Rays things for his knife but he  
didn't want to get up. He just wanted to stay safe and warm, hiden under  
blankets, away from thoughts of fathers who never came home and mothers who  
never stopped drinking, away from shovels and lizards and rattlesnakes,  
away from the pain that always seemed to find him, no matter how hard he  
tried to hide from it.  
Time passed, it could have been seconds or hours, or even days for all he  
knew or cared.  
Voices floated around him but they seemed distant and unreal.  
"...yo Squid, talk to me man..."  
"...what's wrong with him...?"  
"...someone go get Mum..."  
"...Squid wake up! Tell us what's wrong..."  
"...he looks like he's in shock or something..."  
Next thing he knew Mr Pendanski face was swimming back and forth in front  
of his eyes.  
"Alan, cut it out, this isn't funny." The words and the movement of his  
mouth didn't seem to fit together. Mr Pendanski pulled the blankets off of  
Squid and tried to make him sit up. The moment Mr Pendanski's hands clasped  
his shoulders, the memory of another man holding his shoulders came into  
his mind. It was his father and he was a small childd. He could smell the  
beer on his breath so clearly.  
*Flashback*  
Squids father pulled off his blankets, smiling sinisterly, "Take off your  
pajamas, don't worry, this will be fun..."  
*Flashback Ends*  
Squid started screaming, blinded by tears, he struck at Mr Pendanski  
wildly, attaacking with all his strength. Other hands grabbed at him,  
trying to hold him back and he struck at them too, panicking, still  
screaming.  
"NO! Let me go! It HURTS!"  
It took Armpit, Zigzag, Magnet and Mr Pendanski to hold Squid down, still  
struggling and screaming like a caged animal.  
*Flashback*  
"This is what grown ups do... don't you want to be a grown up?"  
*Flashback Ends*  
"No!" Squid screamed, "No! Daddy, let me go, please..."  
"What's he talking about?"  
There were some mumbled words, then Zigzags voice rang out.  
"Squid, calm down! Your Dad's not here, he can't hurt you! We wont let him  
hurt you."  
Squids eyes snapped open. He looked around the tent wildly.  
"I..." he couldn't think of what to say.  
"It's alright Squid," said X-Ray, "Get some rest. We'll come back later-"  
"No!" Squid cried, the word came flying from his mouth before he could stop  
it.  
"OK, we'll stay."  
Mr Pendanski stood, he noticed the bandages on Squids wrist.  
"What happened to your wrist Alan?"  
"Shovel slipped," he muttered.  
Mr Pendanski left.  
Squid sat up, wrapped his arms around his knees and hugged them to his  
chest. The other boys all sat on their own bunks, except for Zigzag, who  
sat on the end of Squids, watching him intently.  
"I'm sorry," Squid said finally.  
"What for? Man, you didn't do nothin'."  
Squid shrugged.  
"Talk to us Squid, we're D-Tent, we stick together. When one of us is  
hurtin', we're all there to help them. Let us help you."  
Zigzag reached out a hand and touched his shoulder. Squid jerked back,  
"Don't touch me," he said tensely, "I'm dirty."  
Zigzag looked around at the rest of D-Tent, they all exchanged confused  
looks, "So what? We're all dirty, we're been digging all day."  
Squid shook his head, refusing to look at them, "No... not dirty on the  
outside... dirty on the inside..."  
"What do you mean?"  
Squid stood up abrupty, "I've gotta go."  
Zigzag grabbed his hand, "Squid, we're your friends, tell us what's wrong."  
Squid looked around at his tentmates. He knew he was trapped.  
He sat back down heavily on his bunk. Zigzag didn't let go of his hand.  
"Uh... before, you were screaming about... about your father. Sometimes in  
your sleep... you cry about him too, the things you say... they make it  
sound like... like he..."  
Squid froze. He held his breath. One hand was squeezing Zigzags and the  
other was clenched into a fist. He bit his tongue until he tasted blood.  
*Flashback*  
"There, that wasn't too bad, was it?"  
Little Squid didn't answer. His whole body hurt, and he was too afraid to  
speak.  
"Now go to sleep. Tomorrow I'll buy you an ice cream..."  
*Flashback ends*  
"Squid? Squid?! Are you ok?"  
Squid nodded deftly.  
"Squid, your father... did he..." Zigzag dropped his voice to a whisper,  
"Did he rape you?"  
Squid yanked his hand away from Zigzags and stood up, facing his bunkmates,  
feeling terror and shame eating up his insides.  
"No!" he cried.  
"We're not going to think any less of you," said X-Ray.  
"No!" Squid cried again, "No! ...he didn't - I wasn't... no..."  
"Squid..." Zigzag took a step towards him.  
Squid took a step back, "No!" he raised his hands to his head and closed  
his eyes, trying to block out the memories, the voices, the pain...  
"No!" he screamed, "Leave me alone! It didn't happen! It didn't!"  
He turned and stumbled from the tent. Zigzag ran after him and grabbed him.  
Squid hit Zigzag as hard as he could and tried to keep running but Zigzag  
had a firm grip on his work uniform.  
"Leave me alone! Let me go! I hate you, I hate you..."  
Squid collapsed to the groupd, pulling Zigzag down with him.  
"It's not fair!" he whimpered, "How could he do that to me? How could he  
Ziggy?"  
Zigzag rocked him back and forth gently. He didn't know what to say so he  
didn't say anything. Looking up, he saw the rest of D-Tent hovering near  
by, he motioned for them to come over. Him and X-Ray half carried Squid  
back to the tent.  
Zigzag rocked Squid back and forth again until he'd stopped crying and fell  
asleep.  
"Man," said Armpit, "What kind of sicko rapes their own son?"  
"I dunno, but if I ever meet him -WHAM!" Zigzag punch the air in front of  
him violently.  
X-Ray nodded in agreement, looking down at the sleeping boy on the bunk in  
front of him. 


	3. Fingers Crossed

BLOODY TEARS  
Chapter Three: Fingers Crossed  
"You've got to eat something," X-Ray said, "You didn't have any breakfast."  
Squid shrugged, "I'm not hungry," he muttered.  
X-Ray eyed him suspiciously, "You've been digging all day, you must be  
hungry."  
Squid shrugged again.  
D-Tent were all watching him now but Squid was looking down at his food,  
pushing it around with his fork but not actually eating any.  
"You'll get sick," warned Caveman.  
Again, Squid shrugged. He stood up to leave but X-Ray pulled him back down.  
"Hey!"  
"You're not leaving this table until you've eaten something."  
Squid glowered at him. The mere smell of the food was nausiating. He felt  
dirty enough as it was without putting that crap they called food into his  
body.  
He wished that they could go back to before the rest of D-Tent had found  
out his dirty little secret, back to when no one would have cared about  
whether he ate or not. He wasn't used to caring of any kind and now it  
seemed dangerous to let anyone see the real him on the inside.  
He took a small bite of something brown that tasted like cardboard.  
"That's not enough Squid, and you know it."  
"You're not my mother, why should you care if I eat or not?" Then Squid  
remembered that his mother had never cared about whether he ate.  
"Oh Squid, cut the crap!" Armpit cried, slamming his hands down on the  
table. Squid flinched.  
"D-Tent sticks together. We're not gonna let you kill yourself! So just eat  
your dinner and quit frikkin' moaning about it!"  
"Pit, shut up!" Zigzag growled, "Just leave him alone!"  
"He thinks he's so special!" Armpit put on a high pitched whiny voice,  
"Look at me, look at me! My mum's a drunk and my dad's a rapist-"  
"Shut up! Squid screamed. Everyone in the room went quiet. "Just shut up,"  
he muttered, "I'll eat my frikkin' dinner."  
Armpit and Zigzag sat down. Zigzag had his arms crossed, sitting at Squids  
side like a body guard.  
Squid ate quickly, wanting to get away from the table and the stares of the  
others as fast as possible.  
Zigzag got up to follow him out but Squid turned his back on him, "I want  
to be alone for a while," he murmered.  
"Should I go after him?" he asked X-Ray, watching Squid leave.  
X-Ray shook his head, "Nah, just let him work some things out by himself."  
***  
Squid wandered over to the showers. Once checking that no one was there, he  
knelt down and threw up. He was conscious of the need to rid himself of the  
dirty food he'd been forced to eat. He found a shower token in the pocket  
of his dusty orange work uniform and used it, letting the cold water wash  
away the evidence. He sat in the corner of the shower for some time, hands  
clamped over his ears, eyes shut. When he opened them again the sky was  
darker and Magnet was kneeling in front of him.  
"Hey man, we've been looking all over for you! What you been doing?"  
"Nothin'," Squid mumbled.  
Magnet bit his lip, "Squid... I don't know... I mean, I could never  
understand what you're going through...but... you know I'm here for you,  
right?"  
Squid looked at him for a moment, surprised at Magnets unexpected show of  
friendship, then he nodded.  
"Thanks."  
Magnet reached out a hand to help Squid up, Squid took it.  
They walked towards D-Tent, then Magnet stopped.  
"Squid..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Squid... you wouldn't... you wouldn't try to kill yourself again... would  
you?"  
Squid looked down at the ground, "C'mon," he said, "Lets go back to the  
tent, I'm tired."  
"Squid, please," Magnet begged.  
Squid froze. He'd never heard Magnet beg before, in fact, he was pretty  
sure that no one had heard Magnet beg before. He bit his lip.  
"OK."  
"Promise?"  
Squid crossed his fingers behind his back, "Promise." 


	4. Dark Places And Old Faces

BLOODY TEARS  
Chapter Four: Dark Places and Old Faces  
Squid stared at the food in front of him. The rest of D-Tent had all  
finished their dinners but he hadn't started, and they weren't going to let  
him leave until he ate it.  
Zigzag and Magnet were sitting on either side of him. X-Ray sat across from  
him. Armpit was at the opposite end of the table, as far away from Zigzag  
as posible. He wasn't too keen on getting in a fight, not because Zigzag  
would win - he knew for a fact that he'd be able to beat him with one hand  
tied behind his back - but because he knew that the rest of D-Tent would be  
backing Zigzag.  
X-Ray was getting impatient, "Do I have to force-feed you or something?"  
Squid didn't answer.  
"'Cause I will if I have to!"  
Squid took a small bite.  
An hour or so later Squid had finished his dinner and was lying on his  
bunk, alone.  
Hearing the creaking of someone sitting down on another cot, he glanced up.  
Armpit was staring at him.  
"What?" he asked irritably.  
Armpit sighed, "Squid, I wanted to... apologize."  
Squids eyes widened. Everything was turned upside down. First he'd heard  
Magnet beg, and now Armpit was apologizing.  
"I didn't mean to say those things... it's just... I don't know how to act.  
You really freaked me out, ya know? And when I get freaked out, I get  
mean... I dunno, I'm just sorry, ok?"  
Squid managed a smile.  
"Ok."  
Armpit looked uncomfortable, "So, uh... do you wanna talk or something?"  
Squid shook his head. "Nah."  
He rolled over and closed his eyes. He was feeling incredibly tired, he'd  
been digging all day and the dinner X-Ray and the rest of D-Tent had forced  
him to eat hadn't stayed down long. He fell into a dream filled sleep.  
Swirling memories played in slow motion, or fast forward, sounds blurred.  
The beer bottle slowly turning over in the air, coming towards his head,  
the image of himself in the mirror, blood running down his face, thick and  
sticky, the floor slamming into his body. His fathers face, unshaved,  
clothes stinking of alcohol, a half-smoked ciggarette hanging from his  
mouth, the fingers raised to his lips.  
"Shhh..."  
Hands that hit, hard... a house that stunk of cheep booze and ciggarette  
smoke...  
Squid sat straight up in bed. The trumpet playing loudly. He quickly wiped  
the sweat and tears from his face before anyone saw.  
He didn't even look at the burnt toast set out for breakfast, just picked  
up his shovel and started towards the Lake. Almost immeadiately X-Ray  
appeared next to him.  
"Hey, you wont have enough strength to dig your hole if you don't eat  
breakfast."  
Squid looked at the burnt piece of toast X-Ray was holding out to him.  
"I wouldn't call that breakfast. I wouldn't even call that food."  
X-Ray shrugged, "Well, you're eating it anyway."  
"No, I'm not."  
"Armpit?"  
Squid was confused for a moment, had X-Ray just called him Armpit? Then  
someone grabbed him and he realised Armpit had been standing behind him.  
"What the-?!"  
His cry was cut off by X-Ray shoving the piece of toast in his mouth. Squid  
choked and spat it out.  
"What the hell are you doing?" he yelled angrily.  
"Hey, I told you I'd force-fed you if I had to."  
Squid yanked himself away from Armpits grasp.  
"Fine." He snatched the piece of toast from X-Rays hand and ate it.  
"Happy?"  
X-Ray grinned victoriously. Without a word he turned and walked away. Squid  
glared at his back. He knew it would be like this now: either eat normally  
or suffer the humiliation of being held down and force-fed. Scowling, he  
made his way to the Lake, making sure his digging spot was as far from X-  
Rays as possible.  
He dug quickly, using his anger and frustration as extra weight on the  
shovel. After an hour his hole was at least half a foot deeper than anyone  
elses, apart from Zeros. He leant back against the side of his hole,  
reaching for his canteen. He unscrewed the lid. Suddenly his head spun, the  
sky above him seemed to be breathing in and out, his own breathing  
quickened, the unmistakable feeling of panic built up inside of him. His  
canteen fell to the ground, spilling his precious water into the dirt,  
which drank it up greedily. He let himself slide slowly down the side of  
his hole.  
"Man, I told you you needed to eat more," said X-Rays voice.  
Squid scowled, "Just shut up, I'm fine."  
"Oh yeah? Then how come you're sitting in the bottom of your hole?" X-Ray  
jumped into his hole and knelt down next to him, "Look Squid, you don't  
gotta put on the tough-guy act with me."  
Squid looked up at him, then suddenly he shoved X-Ray. Catching him off  
guard, X-Ray tumbled backwards.  
"Who says it's an act?"  
"Hey!" X-Ray yelled. He was about to jump at Squid when the sound of a horn  
stopped him. A horn?  
He looked up and saw the water truck had pulled up near them... but the  
water truck never honked it's horn.  
The door opened and a figure in a clean orange uniform stepped out.  
Magnet recognised him first.  
"Barfbag?!" 


	5. Bullemia

BLOODY TEARS  
  
Chapter Five: Bull-e-mia  
"Man, they sent you back?"  
"Yeah, still got two months of my sentence left."  
There was an awkward silence.  
"So... uh... how's your foot?" Zigzag asked finally.  
Barfbag pulled off his boot and sock to show them the small scars the snake  
had left.  
"Wow," said Zigzag, somewhere between impressed and disturbed.  
"Man, what were you thinking?" X-Ray asked, a sudden guilt had built up  
inside of him and the only way he knew how to hide it was behind anger.  
"You're freakin' nuts! How could you step on a rattler like that?"  
"X-" Magnet started but X-Ray cut him off.  
"Everyone's going frikkin' mental round here! I mean, first you get  
yourself bit by a snake, now Squid's slashin' his wrists 'n' all! What's  
next?!"  
"Squid's what?!" Barfbag looked at Squid, a mixture of confusion and horror  
on his face. Squid looked away.  
"You heard me!" X-Ray grabbed hold of Squids arm and dragged him over to  
Barfbag, forcing him to his knees in front of him, holding his wrist out  
for Barfbag to look at.  
"Look!" X-Ray shouted, pulling up the sleeve of Squids worksuit. "Look,  
he's got scars right up his arm!"  
"He does?" Zigzag asked, coming over for a closer look.  
"Yeah, I seen 'em the other day when he passed out."  
Squid had remained quiet all through this. He tried to pull his arm away  
but X-Ray wouldn't let him.  
"See what you're doing to yourself?! You're frikkin' messed up!"  
X-Ray paused for breath. He looked down at Squid, his head was bowed in  
shame and he was shaking.  
X-Ray realised that he'd just humilated him. He instantly regretted it, it  
was just that seeing Barfbag had made him remember how easy it was to die  
out here, made him think back to the day when a member of D-Tent had been  
taken to hospital and almost lost his life. He didn't want a repeat of that  
with Squid. He'd let down Barfbag but he wouldn't let that happened again,  
not to Squid, not to anyone.  
Zigzag helped Squid up and they all drifted back to their holes. They dug  
the rest of the day in silence.  
***  
"...so then they said that I could walk just fine and instantly put me on  
the bus back here."  
X-Ray had now calmed down from his temper tantrum that morning and was  
eating his dinner in silence. He watched Squid, who was eating slowly but  
volunteerily. A few moments after Barfbag had finished his dinner he got up  
and left for the bathroom. Squid, who had also finished his meal, headed  
for the showers. When he arrived there he forced himself to throw up.  
"Yo Squid, you ok?"  
Squid jumped back, surprised. Barfbag was looking at him in concern.  
"Are you sick?"  
Squid shook his head, wiping his mouth.  
"You wouldn't understand," he muttered.  
Barfbag grinned slightly, understanding dawning on him, "Wouldn't I? Man,  
why d'you think they call me Barfbag? I've been doin' what you're doin' for  
ages."  
"What d'you mean?" Squid asked, frowning.  
"Throwin' up! I think they call it... uh... bull-e-mia, or somethin'. Why  
the hell are you doin' it? When I left you were, like, the toughest guy  
here. No one messed with you, now you're messing with yourself, what's up?"  
Squid shrugged. He didn't feel like talking about why he was doing these  
things to himself, all he wanted to do was escape.  
Squid sat, only half listening to Barfbag talk about his time in the  
hospital. Suddenly he sat bolt upright when Barfbag started talking about  
the medication he was on.  
"... there was this one pill, that makes you happy. I've still got some  
because I can't be taken off them just yet..."  
Squid lent back, a slight smile lingering on his face. 


	6. Breaking The Rules

BLOODY TEARS  
Chapter Six: Breaking The Rules.  
  
Armpit and Magnet were shifting a bed into D-Tent when Squid and Barfbag  
came back.  
X-Ray was standing with his back to them, arms crossed, watching Armpit and  
Magnet work. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Barfbag and Squid  
approaching. He walked over to meet them.  
"Yo Barfbag, you should go sort out your stuff."  
Barfbag knew that X-Ray was telling him to go away so that he could talk to  
Squid alone, so he went to help Armpit and Magnet.  
X-Ray turned to face Squid, "Look man, I'm sorry 'bout this mornin'. I just  
lost my cool, ya know?"  
"Yeah, I know."  
"So... are we cool?"  
"Yeah, we're cool."  
X-Ray glanced down at Squids arms, "So, what's up with all the scars?"  
"It's nothin', just accidents from childhood."  
"Strike one." X-Ray shook his head, "You can't fool me. I seen those scars,  
they're way too perfect. In lines right up your arm."  
Squid shrugged. "So I used to cut myself, big deal. I don't do it no more."  
"Strike Two," X-Ray said sarcastically, "I seem to remember wakin' up to  
the sight of you with a knife to your wrist, you remember that?"  
Squid shrugged again.  
X-Rays hand curled into a fist and Barfbag, who was watching from just  
inside the tent door, noticed warning signs and headed towards them.  
"Man, you're really starting to bug me. Don't you care?! You're frikkin'  
killing yourself! Just learn to frikkin' deal with it!"  
"You try to frikkin' deal with it! You don't know how frikkin' hard it is!  
You ain't got no idea what it's like to be-" Squid broke off abruptly. "You  
ain't got no idea what it's like."  
"Well, why don't you let us help you? You think you're better than us? Huh?  
Is that it? Well let me tell you this, Squid, you're not that special. You  
wanna kill yourself, go ahead! See if I care!"  
X-Ray stalked off towards the Wreak Room, Squid towards the tent.  
"Squid-" Barfbag started, but Squid walked straight past him, shoving him  
aside roughly.  
He sighed. Squid hadn't changed as much as he'd thought. He was still angry  
at the whole world, only now, he was taking it out on himself.  
***  
Squid lay awake. He wasn't sure what time it was, three or four AM he  
guessed. The tent was quiet but for Armpits snores and the occasional  
creaking of a bunk. His fingers slowly tapped at the bandage on his wrist,  
delighting in the pain that ran up his arm. He liked the pain because he  
knew he deserved it. His parents had told him that, every time they hurt  
him, it was a reminder of how much he deserved the pain for being such a  
disappointment, such a failure, for being alive...  
He listened for a moment longer, so that he was sure everyone was asleep,  
then slowly he got up and went to Barfbags crate. He bit his lip, he was  
breaking one of the sacred unspoken rules. No one was ever allowed to go  
through anyones crate. He looked over at Barfbag, he could just make out  
his sleeping form. Squid sighed. He reached into Barfbags crate and pulled  
out a small container of pills. 


	7. Suicide is Painless

BLOODY TEARS  
Chapter Seven: Suicide is Painless  
"Urgh!" Zigzag pulled his pillow over his head, trying to block out the  
sound of the trumpet. Armpit muttered something about school buses and  
waffles. Caveman rolled over, not waking.  
X-Ray was the first to get up, the rest of D-Tent followed slowly. Except  
Squid.  
Noticing that Squid wasn't getting up, Magnet walked over and shook him  
gently.  
"Usted se levanta aqui, oust perderán el desayuno," he said sleepily (Get  
up, or you're going to miss breakfast.)  
Squid didn't move so Magnet shook his shoulder again. A small jar fell from  
Squids hand, scattering small white pills across the ground.  
"Que-?!" (What-?!)  
The rest of D-Tent had already left and were on their way to the 'library'.  
Magnet quickly ran from the tent, not noticing, or caring, that he was only  
wearing the boxers and a white T-Shirt.  
"X-Ray! X-Ray!"  
"Magnet! What the hell?!" X-Ray stared at him.  
Magnet started speaking very quickly in Spanish.  
"Wait! Magnet! Slow down, and speak in English."  
Magnet changed to English but didn't slow down. "It's Squid! He wont wake  
up! He took some pills-"  
He didn't need to say any more because X-Ray had already turned and was  
sprinting back towards the tent, followed closely by Zigzag.  
"Someone get Mum!"  
They burst into the tent and rushed to Squids bedside.  
"Squid!" Zigzag shook him violently, "Squid, wake up!"  
"Zig! Stop it!" X-Ray cried. "Just calm down!"  
He looked down at Squids still body, trying to think of what to do.  
Mr Pendanski came through the tent flap, with a canteen full of water, a  
bag of salt, a large bowl and a smile.  
"Hello boys! How are we today?"he said cheerily as he poured the salt into  
the canteen and shook it to mix it with the water.  
The boys stared at him  
"What are you doing?" asked Amrpit incrediously.  
"Oh, this is just a way to help get rid of all those pills. It'll make him  
throw up."  
X-Ray got the impression that Mr Pendanski had done this before. He  
wondered how many other 'campers' had tried to take their lifes.  
"Is he gonna be ok?" Caveman asked nervously.  
"Of course. Why don't you all go dig? Alan will be fine."  
"No way!" X-Ray refused, "I'll dig two holes tomorrow. I'm not leaving  
him."  
"Same here," said Zigzag.  
Mr Pendanski looked at them for a moment, before finally nodding.  
"Fine, you two can stay. The rest of you, go dig!"  
The rest of D-Tent filed out slowly.  
"Ok," Mr Pendanski clasped his hands together, "How about you two sit him  
up for me."  
They obeyed, one on each side of Squid. Mr Pendanski tilted Squids head  
back and held the canteen to his lips. He tipped it slightly, meaning for  
the salt water to flow down Squids throat, but Squid choked and coughed it  
up, it dribbled down onto his t-shirt.  
"No." Squid moaned, almost inaudibly, barely conscious. He tried to pull  
away from Pendanskis grasp, but Mr Pendanski had a firm grip on his hair  
and jaw, holding his mouth open.  
"Come on Alan, drink the water."  
But Squid kept struggling and coughing it up.  
Zigzag had one hand on his back and the other on his shoulder, "Come on  
Squid, it's real important, you have to drink the water."  
".tastes bad."  
"I know it does Squidly, but you have to drink it, please," Zigzag begged.  
Squid finally gave in and swallowed the water.  
Mr Pendanski left X-Ray and Zigzag to look after Squid after the salt water  
had done itsjob.  
Squid slept on and off, feverous and sick, his throat burning, the taste of  
vomit in his mouth. Tossing and turning, trapped in a nightmare of pain and  
fear.  
He opened his bloodshot eyes. Zigzag was dabbing his forehead with a damp  
rag.  
"How ya feelin'?" Zigzag asked softly.  
Squid groaned, "Hot. and sick. oh God, why couldn't you just let me die?"  
Zigzag frowned, his forehead creased in concern.  
"Squidly, why are you doing this to yourself?"  
Squid sighed. He closed his eyes for a moment, "Ziggy?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Why did he do that to me?"  
Squid sounded so young and confused, asking impossible questions, tears  
filling his eyes.  
"I don't know." Zigzag wanted to give him an answer. Wanted to make  
everything better, but knew that there was nothing he could say.  
X-Ray was sitting in the corner of the tent, cleaning his glasses,  
listening to Squid and Zigzags conversation. Guilt was staining his  
insides, remembering the last thing he'd said to Squid before his suicide  
attempt.  
"You wanna kill yourself, go ahead! See if I care!"  
He sighed. Looking over, he saw that Squid had fallen asleep again. Zigzag  
leant back, rubbing his eyes.  
"Tired?" asked X-ray.  
Zigzag jumped. He'd forgotten that X-Ray was in the tent.  
"Oh. No, not ready. Just thinking."  
"Yeah? What about?"  
"Just. I dunno. just wish I could make it all better."  
Zigzag looked down at Squid sadly. 


	8. Licence Plates

Bloody Tears  
Chapter Eight: Licence Plates  
X-Ray caught Magnets hand before it connected with Squids face.  
"What they hell are you doing?!" X-Ray yelled.  
"You promised!" Magnet yelled angrily to Squid, "You prmoised you wouldn't  
do anything again!"  
Squid flinched. "I'm sorry..." he whispered.  
Magnet felt his anger melt. Squid looked so weak and pale, he'd never seen  
him look like that before.  
"Damn it Squid, look at yourself," he said sadly.  
Squid looked away.  
"Squid, you gotta talk to us about this." Barfbag stepped forward.  
"Why?" Squid muttered, "You didn't."  
Barfbag frowned, but didn't say anything.  
Squid rolled over, "I'm tired, leave me alone."  
***  
Zigzag sat next to Squids bedside, stroking his hair gently. It was damp  
from sweat. Squids fever was slowly cooling down but Squid was still sick  
from the pills that had been fully digested before they'd found him.  
"How you feelin'?"  
Squid looked up at him, "Like crap," he complained.  
"Sorry," Zigzag apologized, even though it wasn't his fault. He continued  
playing with Squids hair.  
Squid suddenly reached up and stopped him.  
"Don't," he said shortly.  
"Why not?"  
"My dad... used to do that."  
"Oh, sorry."  
Squid sighed softly, "It's not fair."  
There were silent for a moment.  
"Ziggy?"  
"Yeah Squid?"  
"Why do you think we're digging these holes?"  
Zigzag grinned, "It's the lizards man, I'm sure of it."  
Squid smiled slightly, "What's the date Zig?"  
"March 22nd," Zigzag answered.  
"If you're right, then I've still got six months left in the hell hole."  
"Hell hole is right," said Zigzag, "But I've still got six months too, so  
you wont be alone."  
Squid drifted off into a fitful sleep. Zigzag sat back into the chair next  
to Squids cot and rubbed his tired eyes. He wasn't about to give Squid the  
chance to take his own life again. He knew it was illogical, he couldn't  
stay awake forever, he'd have to sleep sometime, just... not tonight.  
***  
Dig, scoop, toss. Dig, scoop, toss.  
Squid was digging, scooping and tossing a lot slower than usual. He was  
tired, hungry and, basically, feeling like shit.  
"Hey look," said Magnets voice.  
Squid looked up. The water truck was heading towards them.  
"It hasn't been two hours, has it?" asked Armpit.  
"No where near," replied X-Ray, leaning on his shovel.  
The truck pulled up and Mr Pendanski stuck his head out the window.  
"Alan, the Warden would like to see you."  
Squid frowned but threw down his shovel and climbed out of his hole.  
Anything was better then digging, right?  
He climbed into the passenger seat of the truck and they drove back to  
camp. He noticed a new car parked outside the Wardens cabin, it seemed  
vaugly familiar, the licence plate number seemed to have been imprinted  
into his memory, but was without a backround, without a reason. He was  
still studying the car when Mr Pendanski knocked on the Wardens door.  
"Yes?" called the Warden.  
"Alan's here," the overly happy councillor informed.  
"Send him in."  
Pendanski opened the door and ushered him in. A man was standing in the  
corner, his back turned.  
Squid shut the door behind him and the man turned around. He has short dark  
brown hair and dark eyes. He could, perhaps, have bee described as  
handsome.  
"Alan!" he cried happily.  
Squid eyed him suspiciously. He tried to remember where he recognised the  
man from. It was only a few seconds before the realisation came smashing  
into him. Everything fell into place. The car driving away as Squid watched  
from his bedroom window, staring at the licence plate. The smell of  
ciggarettes snaked over to him, and a sudden pain ran through his body, or  
rather, the memory of pain.  
"Dad!" he cried, too shocked and scared to think of anything else to say.  
That one syllable word sounded so foreign and wrong. The man in front of  
him had never acted as a father.  
"Son, I'd like to talk to you." 


	9. The Wardens Cabin

A/N: Sorry I took so long but my computer decided to crash on me, so I'm on  
my brothers, typing this out again.  
Bloody Tears  
Chapter Nine: The Wardens Cabin  
Squids father turned to the Warden, "Could we be alone for a while?"  
"Of course." The Warden disappeared from the room.  
Squids father locked the door, then turned back to Squid and looked him up  
and down.  
"You sure grew up good, boy."  
He started to walk towards his son.  
Squid backed up against the wall. There was no where to run, and even if  
there was, he doubted he could have ran. His legs suddenly felt heavy,  
lifting his feet was an effort.  
His father was in front of him instantly. He ran a finger down Squids cheek  
suductively.  
Squid flinched, closing his eyes, using the same logic a person would use,  
when, hearing a strang noise at night, hiding under the covers. The logic  
that said 'if I can't see it, it can't see me.'  
Unfortunately, this doesn't work. Squids father grabbed him and shoved him  
roughly onto the bed. Squid tried to get up but his fathers knee on his  
chest trapped him.  
"Don't worry son," his father whispered, "This is fun, remember?"  
Words, screams, caught in Squids throat. A choking sensation was rising.  
His father had him pinned, holding his wrists down on the bed. He felt his  
breathing quicken with panic. Hot tears splashed down his face. He couldn't  
move, couldn't yell for help...  
***  
"It's gotta be about whats been happening, the suicide attempts 'n' all."  
"Why would the Warden care about that?"  
"And how would she know about it?"  
"The cameras!"  
"Oh man," Magnet moaned, "Enough with the cameras already."  
They all dug for a short while, then Zigzag stopped. He climbed out of his  
hole and started walking back to camp, dropping his shovel.  
"Hey! Where you going?" X-Ray called.  
"Something's not right."  
"What d'you mean?" asked Barfbag.  
"Squid needs help."  
The rest of D-Tent exchanged looks.  
"Hey, wait up!" Barfbag climbed out of his hole, "I'm coming too."  
"Yeah, me too," said Magnet.  
Eventually all of D-Tent were heading back to camp.  
"What are we doing?" asked Armpit.  
"I dunno," answered Magnet.  
"What are you doing?" Mr Pendanski called when he saw D-Tent walking up,  
"You can't have finished your holes yet."  
"Where's Squid?" Zigzag demanded.  
"He's in the Wardens cabin, what-?"  
"Why?"  
"His father came to visit him-"  
He didn't get to finish because D-Tent turned and ran towards the Wardnes  
cabin.  
***  
Squids father slowly unbuttoned each button of Squids worksuit.  
Someone pounded on the door, "Squid? Are you in there?"  
Squids father put a finger to his lips. "Shhh..."  
He took out a pocket knife and positioned it above Squids belly button.  
"One word..." he warned, then he took hold of Squids white t-shirt and  
sliced it right up the front.  
Squid hid his face in his hands, tears sneaking between his fingers.  
"Please stop..." he whimpered.  
"SQUID?"  
Squid wasn't sure if he was imagining the voice or not. It seemed so far  
away, separated by a locked door.  
Suddenly there was a loud creaking noise and Squid turned his head in time  
to see the door swing open violently, spilling light into the room.  
***  
Armpit had Squids father in a head lock and was repeatedly punching him in  
the stomach. X-Ray was twisting his arm behind his back.  
Squid was sitting up on the bed, clutching his torn shirt together so that  
his chest wasn't exposed, looking dazed. Zigzag was kneeling next to Squid.  
"Are you alright?"  
Squid nodded deftly, watching Armpit and X-Ray.  
"Did he hurt you?"  
"N-no... I'm fine."  
Dispite Squids words, Zigzag could see that he was pretty shook up. His  
face was tear stained and he was trembling.  
"C'mon, lets get outta here. Can you walk?"  
Squid nodded, but when he stood his knees buckled. Zigzag caught him before  
he hit the floor.  
"Sorry," he mumbled.  
"S'ok." Zigzag held him up.  
"What is going on in here?"  
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up. The Warden was  
standing in the doorway.  
She glared at D-Tent furiously. They couldn't blame her really, after all,  
when you walk into a room and see a group of juvenial delinquents attacking  
a middle-aged man, whose side would you take?  
"I'm terribly sorry," she apologized to Squids father as he got to his  
feet, "I assure you, these boys will be severely punished!"  
"But we didn't do anything!" Armpit protested, "He was hurtin' Squid!"  
"Excuse me?"  
"Ask him!" Armpit looked pointedly at Squid.  
The Warden turned to Squid, "Is this true?"  
"...uh..." Squid stammered.  
Zigzag nudged him, "Go on," he whispered, "Tell her."  
Squid looked down at the ground.  
"Yeah," he said finally, "It's true."  
Squids father flew at him, rage propelling him foreward, "You're going to  
be sorry you said that, boy!"  
The man raised his hand, ready to smack his son, hard, but suddenly, he  
stopped. He stood, frozen for a second, then he fell to the ground,  
clutching his crotch, where Squid had just kneed him.  
D-Tent erupted into cheers.  
EPILOGUE  
Midnight, or close to it. Zigzag and Squid were lying on Squids cot,  
whispering so as not to wake anyone.  
"He's in jail," Squids said softly.  
"Yeah."  
"He's gonna be in there for a long time."  
"Yeah."  
"He's not allowed to come near me."  
"Yeah."  
A hint of a smile appeared on Squids face.  
"It's over."  
"Yeah."  
"You're not very talkative tonight," Squid pointed out.  
"There's nothing else to say."  
The hint of a smile turned into a full one, "Yeah."  
Zigzag went back to his own cot. Squid slowly drifted off to sleep, and,  
for the first time in many years, he slept soundly, without nightmares.  
  
A/N: So there it is. It's over. The end. Los finale. Etc. Anyway, stay  
tuned for my next fic, which is at this moment, untitled, but I've finished  
it, I just need to type and post.  
~Mae 


End file.
